There’s some backward thinking with this research

I really don’t want to go around spreading crazy scientific claims so I will be up front with you.  The information I am about to divulge is based on countless hours of research and testing.  The hours are countless because, well, no research was done.  This is all based on my biased opinions and skewed observations.

But this is an important topic because I feel that I will be easing anxieties for many post-middle agers in announcing that I have discovered a legitimate explanation for why common objects are often misplaced around the house.  Keys, mail, remotes, tools, and, sad to say, even the dog at times are never where I thought they were due to the shenanigans of creatures that I have named Tluaf-ym (both plural and singular).  Because this is my discovery, I chose the name and it is based on a children’s skit that I watched with my son many years ago. More on that later.

I noticed the activities of Tluaf-ym happen most often in my woodshop.  I own a fair number of tape measures but yet can never seem to find one when I need it.  Even after just using one, it never seems to be where I left it.  A quick scan of the room will show that it has somehow been transported to another table or hidden in my very own pocket.  Tluaf-ym at work.  They either transport or perhaps even teleport the object to another area.

  It often happens with car keys.  There was one incident when Tluaf-ym hid my wife’s key and fob right out in plain sight for several days.  We finally noticed them on the bed.   We both know for a fact that it was neither of us who would have taken the keys out of my wife’s purse and left them there.

Unfortunately, this can happen to live things too.  On one occasion, all three of our dogs were out of a room before I closed the door.  An hour later, I heard a dog barking and there was poor Lily alone in the closed room.  I did question her on how she got in there and she could not explain it, but she did blame the knocked-over wastebasket with scattered trash on Tluaf-ym.

I have unearthed evidence that the Tluaf-ym are not just exclusive to my home.  I recently purchased a gas grill and while getting the parts ready for assembly, I came across an extra bag labeled, “SPARE PARTS.”  This alone is an obvious sign that big business knows that a Tluaf-ym will probably make off with a screw and someone will need a backup.

A Tluaf-ym seems to prey on those who are in their 50s and older although I had many experiences in my 30s.  I also have noticed that the frequency of Tluaf-ym attacks seemed to increase after my son was born  and there was a major spike when he entered his teens.

As I touched on earlier, the Tluaf-ym are named after a children’s skit that Bethel University’s Drama Department put on at Zoo Boo quite a few years ago.  The narrator told the story of a Rotarran who attacked the Potowatomi Zoo’s train.  No one could figure out what a Rotarran was.  It was a great time and memory for my son and me.  He was at the perfect age where the story was just enough to give him a Halloween fright as well as a mystery to solve. 

 I thought it was fitting to give my cantankerous creatures a name I associated with a fond memory.  At the end of the skit, the narrator revealed that she was the one causing problems on the train because Rotarran spelled backwards is Narrator.  With that revealed, she ran off with an evil laugh to create havoc for the next group of train passengers.  Apply that backwards spelling to my creatures and you have the true reason for my dilemmas.  Tlauf-ym backwards is MY FAULT! 

That’s right folks, I admit the misplaced tape measures, spare parts, and out-of-reach screwdrivers are all my fault.  I wish I could offer a better explanation because a lot of people tell me they have similar attacks of “my fault.”

One final note: When the car keys and fob that were on our bed for several days, it was not my fault.  That “my fault” was caused by the person who probably set her purse on the bed and was organizing it, but left the keys out.  We won’t mention any names but my son didn’t drive at the time and neither did the dogs and the key was missing after my son was dropped off at school by that person with the purse and before I got home from work.  With that, I leave you with a fond goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

If you should have evidence of such creatures in your life causing problems let me know.  I can be reached at [email protected].