One if by land, two if by sea

In my glum moments, I have found a new worry.

I had made peace with the likelihood that, within five years, my neighbors will have remote-control toys capable of blowing up my house.

That actually was an optimistic thought. I’m fairly certain it will happen sooner, probably within two years.

This vision occurred to me while I was watching the nightly news on network TV. In the video, small groups of Ukrainian fighters were using air drones to help target Russian troops. In addition, they used explosive toy boats to inflict severe damage on a Russian warship.

My first thought was, “I need to be on the side that has the drones.” My second thought was, “Millions of border-line wackos saw the same video and feel the same way.”

We know these things can work. If you remember, a drone strike in January 2020 killed an Iranian general who literally didn’t see it coming. And in this war with Russia, Ukrainian volunteers have been retrofitting civilian drones with modified land mines and Molotov cocktails.

I doubt that these Ukrainians are much smarter than the guy next door. So, I did what I always do when I feel impending doom. I started googling.

My first search contains the words, “NRA private ownership attack drones.” My feeling was, if it involves weaponry that no sane government should allow, the NRA would be paying off congressmen to protect its manufacture and sales.

As it turns out, I got the usual mixed messages. One site claims that the NRA, aware of a changing landscape for protecting us against tyranny, is working on plans to advocate for private ownership of tanks and military airplanes. Another reported that a group in Turkey has developed a drone that carries laser weapons, presumably for sale to the highest bidder.

However, one writer stated that private ownership of military drones would fall under the purview of the Federal Aviation Administration, which already bans such devices. 

I can see where the FAA could make a convincing argument about aerial drones. If those things became as popular as handguns, no political candidate or non-SEC football team would be safe outdoors. Geez. Talk about ruining autumn.

Still, this ban seems to have some interesting loopholes. The FAA has nothing to say about toy boats, for example, or toy cars.

I keep enough dry land between our properties that I don’t fear a neighbor with a boat. I have a fence to keep him out of my backyard, but the front is vulnerable. I’ve literally paved a way for an attack car to reach my front door.

So, my second main internet search used the words “explosive remote control toy cars.” The only hit that seems to fit came up with an site listing a New Novelties Explosive Wheel Remote Control toy car popular Dual induction control stunt RC car. I couldn’t get the initials to spell anything, so I’m fairly sure it’s not a joke.

I couldn’t figure out how they work, and the video didn’t disclose how they’ll actually explode. But they cost just $19.99 apiece if you buy 12 or more. They’re also marked Ready to Ship, In Stock and Fast Delivery. 

So now I know. He might actually get a dozen of these things, whatever they are, in two days, not two years.

I’m no Iranian general. I have a keen sense of danger from the sky and from the ground.

I doubt my NRA-approved tank or fighter jet will arrive on time to stop him. I’ll just have to train my cat to go into his garage to steal his batteries.